Letters To The Universe

Dear CalTrans:

You can SUCK IT. I understand that enlarging the freeway that runs behind our house is TOTALLY necessary, given the traffic congestion that this area NEVER experiences. I mean, I get it. The only time there’s EVER been traffic is if there’s an accident, which is pretty damn rare, and that third lane will TOTALLY solve that problem.

So THANK YOU, CalTrans for waking my ass up at 11:15pm last night and keeping me up until 1:00am with that jack-hammering you were doing. And ALSO?! Thanks SO MUCH for making sure you woke Dylan up too. Now THAT’S helpful.

Love,
Meghan

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Dear Mr. Coffee:

Maybe I’m confused. The name of your company is “Mr. COFFEE”, isn’t it? As in “we make COFFEE related products”? As in, I should be able to ASSUME that if I buy an $80.00 coffee maker that carries your name that it will ACTUALLY WORK CORRECTLY? As in, BREW coffee? And if it’s not too much, when you actually DO brew coffee, could you please figure out a way to make it HOT instead of luke warm? I know that’s a lot to ask, but I have faith that you an make it happen.

I’m not sure WHY I have faith that you can make it happen, given the fact that this coffee maker replaced another Mr. Coffee model that was less than reliable. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson.

Love,
Meghan
PS- I’m starting a product review blog, so if you’d like me to give you another chance, please feel free to send me a coffee maker to review. Preferably one that actually WORKS. You can reach me at Meghan(@)amomtwoboys(.)com.

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Dear Dylan:

I realize that you’re three and you have a lot of new things going on in your life right now. And somehow you’ve developed the idea that you’re a 13 year old girl, as far as your attitude goes, so you must be pretty hormonal as well too. I mean, you’re probably about to get your period for the first time and that’s a big deal

But I’m here to tell you that if you continue to YELL & DEMAND things from me, in the manner in which you’ve been speaking to me lately, I’m going to tape your mouth shut with duct tape. Your dad’s an HVAC contractor. We have plenty of it around.

Love,
Mommy
PS – I love you to bits

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Dear Zach:

I know YOU’VE been through a lot lately. Although you’re almost one, you’re still a baby, and you’ve only had your new glasses for 5 days. You’re still getting used to wearing them and to being able to SEE things. BUT, if you continue to take them off and CHEW on them, I’m going to duct tape them to your face. Your dad’s an HVAC Contractor. We have plenty of it around.

Love,
Mommy
PS – I love you to pieces

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Dear Child Protective Services:

I’m not really going to use Duct tape. I’ll probably try Scotch tape or masking tape first. Duct tape would be too hard to clean off of them.

I kid, I kid. Medical tape. I’ll use Medical tape.

Love,
Meghan

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Dear Dr. Laura:

You’re an ass. As I was FORCED into listening to your show last night I had to shake my head NUMEROUS times. But when you told the woman who was trying to figure out how to get her husband to spend more nights at home so he could spend time with his college bound son, that she needed to have sex with him, I almost fell out of my seat. Luckily I was wearing my seatbelt.

I’m not sure how HER having sex with her husband helps in HIM spending more time with his son. Maybe if you’d get your head out of your ass and actually LISTEN to the people who call you, instead of constantly interrupting, you could actually offer advice on what they’re calling about. I know it’s radical, but it’s just my opinion.

~Meghan

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Dear DJ:

I know you think Dr. Laura is entertaining because she’s such a whack job, but PLEASE stop listening to her. You’re only inflating her already over-inflated discriminatory ego.

Love,
Meg

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Dear Our New Neighbors Who We’d Never Met:

Words can not express how AWESOME of you it was to come and help us move 4,220 pounds of rubber mulch. You just showed up, with gloves on, and started moving it from the front of our house to our back yard. With your THREE HIGH SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN. Who were sweet and well spoken and HELPFUL. You rock, my friends.

And now,  the boy’s new Swing Set area looks like this:

PLUS, I didn’t have to wheel another wheelbarrow full of the stuff UP my driveway.  I was getting hot.  And tired.  And cranky.  You may have saved my marriage.

Love,
Meghan

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Dear Self:

Please get your ass off the couch and ACTUALLY start cleaning. Grandmaother will be here on Friday afternoon and the rest of the family will be here on Saturday for Zach’s 1st Birthday party. You’ve got a lot of work to do before then. You can keep your computer on and check email & Twitter throughout the day. You can even take a break at some point to work on the list of internet related projects you’ve got to accomplish. But you NEED TO CLEAN. I know it’s not fun. I know it’s the bain of your existence. But it needs to be done. So go…get…go. NOW.

Love,
Yourself.
~~~~~

I suppose I should be going. I seem to be pretty bitchy today and I don’t want to piss myself off at myself anymore than I already have.

Random Friends Quote: “They don’t KNOW we know they know we know! And Joey you can’t say anything.”
“I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

Related posts:

1. Letters to the Shirtless Universe
2. Another Round of Letters
3. Virtual Hugs
4. Your Morning Routine Will Change Your Life
5. Dear Cooking Light