How to Scare the Ever Loving Crap Out of Your Child In Three Easy Steps

by Meghan on March 2, 2009

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Step 1:

Conveniently forget that your child has an unreasonable and all-consuming fear of the unknown AND loud noises.

It might be difficult to forget, especially seeing as this is how he spent last Fourth of July:

I’m not kidding you.  He was like this all fucking day.

But, as the diligent parent you are, you should be able to put it out of  your mind.

Once you’ve successfully completed Step 1 you’re ready to move on.

Step 2:

Excitedly tell your child that THERE’S A ROCKET LAUNCH TONIGHT!!!!

*All caps and extra exclamation points are entirely necessary to convey optimal excitement factor and importance of this historic event.*

You’re excited!  A rocket launch!  Your space loving child will ADORE getting up at 1:30 in the morning to watch the flame-filled Rocket hurtle towards space!

And the close proximity of the Air Force Base will guarantee you up-close and personal seats to this EXCITING event!

*Actual photo from the launch.  Click the picture for the story*

It is important that when your child looks at you wide-eyed and says “But I don’t WANT to see a Rocket!” that you DO NOT back down.

Rationally blame it on the fact that it’s close to bedtime.  They’re tired, confused, worn out from the long day of nose-picking and TV watching.

OF COURSE he would like to see a rocket launch!  He’d love nothing more than to see a rocket launch!

*It is IMPERATIVE at this point that you don’t back down.  Your goal is to scare the  EVER LOVING CRAP out of your child.   By now you’ve only slightly alarmed them.*

Step 3:

Go into further detail.

At this point, it’s your only option.

Clearly, your child is craving further explanation.  He must not fully understand the details surrounding the rocket launch.

Explain that the rocket will be blasting into space carrying a camera!  To take pictures of the Earth!

When your child is freaked out about WHO is on the rocket, and demands to know exactly WHAT person will be taking his picture from space, ignore the fact that his cute little under-developed brain is picturing a man in a rocket ship hovering outside his bedroom window with a camera.

Instead, and this is VERY important, make it even more terrifying by explaining that it’s not actually a man with a camera, but a ROBOT.

YES!  A ROBOT in a ROCKET SHIP will be blasting off, VERY LOUDLY, from the NEARBY Air Force Base and will be taking pictures of you, WHILE YOU SLEEP, through your bedroom window!

Now, be sure to do all of this JUST before you tuck your little imp into bed.

*Program Complete*

And if that, my friends, doesn’t scare the ever loving crap out of your child  AND guarantee you a third party in your bed for the duration of the night, thus ensuring a shitty night’s sleep, AMomTwoBoys will refund your money*.

And if you’re REALLY SUPER AWESOME, you’ll be so thoroughly exhausted after the night’s rib-jabbing co-sleeping event, you won’t even wake up to see the mother fucking rocket launch.  It’s double the good times.

You. Are. Welcome.

*Unfortunately, no refunds will be given for the amount of time you spent reading this post.*

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Quart March 2, 2009 at 6:44 am

In your defense, the whole thing was a huge failure, so technically you didn’t miss a rocket “launch.” Are you up already?

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Manic Mommy March 2, 2009 at 1:41 pm

That is truly hysterical! I’ve been there. We never learn.

Manic Mommys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

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Grandmaother March 2, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Have you heard of the show “When Animals Attack”?
Don’t tell him about it!

And I can’t wait to see how he reacts to the tooth fairy.

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papa-oomau-al March 2, 2009 at 5:02 pm

This is one of your funniest posts ever! Poor little dude! It’s amazing how the almost-four-year-old mind works … better cancel Ronnie the Robot as birthday party entertainment!

Reply

Loralee March 2, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Not to take away your hope for your kids future, but I, um, struggle to not look like his photo around firecrackers TO THIS DAY.

Ehem.

:)

Loralees last blog post..The biggest challenge when it comes to having boys. For reals.

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Jeanne March 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Hil-AR-i-ous! Honey, we’ve all been there

Jeannes last blog post..Can Your Kids Have it all AND Do it All?

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Susie March 2, 2009 at 6:30 pm

I would have laughed but I know this situation all too well because Liam is TERRIFIED of loud startling noises. I had my own BAD PARENTING moment and SURPRISED him with a trip to Disney on Ice. Oh yeah…and we were in the 6th ROW because Lightning McQueen was going to be there… unfortunately Mickey and Minnie came out FIRST driving their jalopy that – as part of the FABULOUS family fun SHOW – BACKFIRES after 5 mins. That’s all we saw of the show. Five flippin minutes. And Liam has made us promise NEVER EVER to bring him to FAMILY FUN like THAT again.

UGH. Yes this post is hilarious if it didn’t make me cringe and want to cry.

Susies last blog post..Interview 1: Liam

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Kristin March 3, 2009 at 10:00 am

OMG this is hysterical! I can certainly relate. It is called “Take your child to see the Bugs Life Show at Disney World, even if they are scared to death of creepy crawlies.”

Kristins last blog post..Snow Day!

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Angela March 3, 2009 at 11:07 am

OMG – this is the funniest post ever! You are hilarious! hahaaaa

I will definitely follow the program if needed – I have bookmarked this page! LOL

Angelas last blog post..Fixed!

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shannanb aka mommy bits March 3, 2009 at 7:30 pm

I think I have purchased this before. It was 4th of July and I insisted Sean watch the fireworks. I could not even begin to fathom that he would not want to watch them. How could he understand what was about to happen and still decide that he didn’t want to watch? After 30 seconds of crying I realized he really didn’t want to watch fireworks. Opps.

shannanb aka mommy bitss last blog post..A Beginners Attempt at Couponing

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anymommy March 3, 2009 at 9:14 pm

If I ever find myself getting too much sleep and wishing for a frightened, annoying child to share my bed, I will know exactly what to do. Thank you!

anymommys last blog post..Golden Child

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Jennifer H March 4, 2009 at 8:10 am

Oh my god, this was hilarious! I’m sure I’ve done something like this before, hell-bent on forcing my kids into something they didn’t want to do.

Next week, you should tell him you’re going to a tractor pull. (If you haven’t been to one – I’m outing myself as a Midwestern, county fair goer in my childhood years – there’s really no explaining the unrelenting noise. )

Jennifer Hs last blog post..At the last possible moment (or close)

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Joe @ Irrational Dad March 4, 2009 at 9:09 pm

So you failed to tell him that after launch, the rocket will fall apart (when liftoff is complete and they don’t need the giant gas tanks anymore)??? For shame….

Joe @ Irrational Dads last blog post..I Love It When a Plan Comes Together

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How to Party with an Infant March 6, 2009 at 10:33 am

This is so damn funny!!

How to Party with an Infants last blog post..Love in the Time of Recession

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Z March 7, 2009 at 4:53 am

You definitely deserve to win mother of the year for this one! (Or at least be in the top 3) :)

Zs last blog post..bwahaha

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Mama Kalila March 10, 2009 at 8:08 pm

LOL That’s great! :-D

Mama Kalilas last blog post..Wow That Was Fast!

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