How to Scare the Ever Loving Crap Out of Your Child In Three Easy Steps

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Step 1:

Conveniently forget that your child has an unreasonable and all-consuming fear of the unknown AND loud noises.

It might be difficult to forget, especially seeing as this is how he spent last Fourth of July:

I’m not kidding you. He was like this all fucking day.

But, as the diligent parent you are, you should be able to put it out of your mind.

Once you’ve successfully completed Step 1 you’re ready to move on.

Step 2:

Excitedly tell your child that THERE’S A ROCKET LAUNCH TONIGHT!!!!

*All caps and extra exclamation points are entirely necessary to convey optimal excitement factor and importance of this historic event.*

You’re excited! A rocket launch! Your space loving child will ADORE getting up at 1:30 in the morning to watch the flame-filled Rocket hurtle towards space!

And the close proximity of the Air Force Base will guarantee you up-close and personal seats to this EXCITING event!

*Actual photo from the launch. Click the picture for the story*

It is important that when your child looks at you wide-eyed and says “But I don’t WANT to see a Rocket!” that you DO NOT back down.

Rationally blame it on the fact that it’s close to bedtime. They’re tired, confused, worn out from the long day of nose-picking and TV watching.

OF COURSE he would like to see a rocket launch! He’d love nothing more than to see a rocket launch!

*It is IMPERATIVE at this point that you don’t back down. Your goal is to scare the EVER LOVING CRAP out of your child. By now you’ve only slightly alarmed them.*

Step 3:

Go into further detail.

At this point, it’s your only option.

Clearly, your child is craving further explanation. He must not fully understand the details surrounding the rocket launch.

Explain that the rocket will be blasting into space carrying a camera! To take pictures of the Earth!

When your child is freaked out about WHO is on the rocket, and demands to know exactly WHAT person will be taking his picture from space, ignore the fact that his cute little under-developed brain is picturing a man in a rocket ship hovering outside his bedroom window with a camera.

Instead, and this is VERY important, make it even more terrifying by explaining that it’s not actually a man with a camera, but a ROBOT.

YES! A ROBOT in a ROCKET SHIP will be blasting off, VERY LOUDLY, from the NEARBY Air Force Base and will be taking pictures of you, WHILE YOU SLEEP, through your bedroom window!

Now, be sure to do all of this JUST before you tuck your little imp into bed.

*Program Complete*

And if that, my friends, doesn’t scare the ever loving crap out of your child AND guarantee you a third party in your bed for the duration of the night, thus ensuring a shitty night’s sleep, AMomTwoBoys will refund your money*.

And if you’re REALLY SUPER AWESOME, you’ll be so thoroughly exhausted after the night’s rib-jabbing co-sleeping event, you won’t even wake up to see the mother fucking rocket launch. It’s double the good times.

You. Are. Welcome.

*Unfortunately, no refunds will be given for the amount of time you spent reading this post.*

**This post was originally published in March over at AMomTwoBoys. It was so well received (at least in Meghan’s mind) that it’s being republished here for you to enjoy.**

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