I hate people who drive like assholes.
I realize that most of us have driven like an asshole at one time or another.
I’m obviously not talking about myself.
And I’m not talking about you.
Unless you were driving in one of the ways I describe below.
In which case, I’m totally talking about you, sticking my tongue out, giving you the finger and muttering a few choice words at you at the top of my lungs under my breath.
Ahem.
Below, my least favorite types of asshole drivers:
The Tortoise:
You know her. She drives 45 mph on the freeway. Or 15 mpg on a 45 mph surface street. She has nowhere to be and doesn’t care that you MIGHT have somewhere to be. She is leisurely. She is annoying.
The Hare:
Drives like a bat out of hell. Has somewhere to be and needs to be there 10 minutes ago. Has no regard for speed limits or the safety of other drivers on the road. Is most likely also a:
The Right Lane Passer:
Can not possibly be bothered to wait for you to pass the motor home in the slow lane. So they pull into the slow lane and hit the gas in an attempt to pass you and then cut you off JUST before hitting the back motor home. This maneuver also causes you to slam on your brakes in an attempt to defensively miss hitting them as they pull back in front of you. Quite possibly my least favorite type of asshole driver.
The Tailgater:
The Tailgater is someone whose time is MUCH more important than yours. If you have the nerve to be in the fast lane, going 70 miles an hour to pass a Tortoise, he rides your ass like nobodies business. He may even exhibit Hare and Right Lane Passer tendencies.
~~~
People who drive like this make me INSANE. I can not stand it. I’ve been known to speed up when someone tries to pass me on the right, just to ensure that they aren’t able to. It’s even better if the people behind me do it as well, and they end up getting stuck 10 cars back. I laugh and laugh.
I’ve also been known to slow WAY down if someone is tailgating. Because they’re an asshole, and while I *realize* they must be in a super important hurry, their behavior makes me feel like being an asshole as well. And it’s fun to fuck with them.
So tell me, what makes you road ragey (that’s totally a word)? And what does it make you do? Do you scream? Curse? Give the finger? Flash your lights?
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
As George Carlin asked, “You ever notice that someone who drives slower than you is an asshole and someone who drives faster than you is a maniac?”
May he rest in peace. :0)
My driving aggravation right now are the people who are in FAR too much of a hurry to pull up to the curb to let their kids out at school so they just stop in the middle of the street and have them hop out….and then sit in the middle of the street and watch the kid saunter into the school doors, thereby blocking traffic for everybody else. This also has the effect of stressing out all of the rest of us who CARE ABOUT the safety of our children as well as their children.
I have a feeling that these are the same people who can’t be bothered to slow down to 20 mph in the school zone.
I can’t even imagine the things I’ll add to this list when I have to deal with the school drop off line. I’ll have to go on bp meds a few months before!!!
We have a four-way stop near our house. When people roll to their right through the stop sign when it isn’t their turn or roll to their right on the tail of someone whose turn it actually is, I want to follow them and ram their car like Kathy Bates did to the person who stole her parking space in Fried Green Tomatoes. I really do.
Don’t you wish there was a police officer around when that happens? How come they never are?
I get psycho about bad drivers, but all internally and grumbly-like.
I love when you’re grumbly-like. It makes me happy.
Oh my goodness… you hit the nail on the head with EVERY SINGLE ONE. I am only stuck behind a tortoise when I have somewhere to be. When I’m driving a little over the speed limit and of course I have the tailgater on my ass. And I hit the brakes immediately just to spite them. And scream “GET OFF MY ASS!!” Thank you for telling it like it is… this shit is bonkers.
You need to add a bullhorn thing to your car. Like a police car has. That would be awesome.
I hate people that turn right on red into my lane when there is NO ONE in the other lanes or no one behind me. I also hate tailgating or the incessant speeder that just has to pass you on the FWY. I too will slow down for tailgaters or speed up so that speeders can’t pass me. It’s fun to mess with’em that way. I am, however, a pretty slow (always the speed limit) kind of driver and tend to stick to the right lane. LOL
You’re so cute. Did my driving in LA scare you? :0)
I totally felt this way for a long, long time.
Then one day, while totally stressing out in stop and go traffic, I noticed a girl in the car beside me happily singing along and ‘dancing’ to the music playing in her car. I was raising my blood pressure. She was having a good time.
Ever since then, I try to be less ‘road ragey’ – take a breath, be safe and turn on good music!
It doesn’t always work, but when it does – it rocks!
Too bad you can’t have a flask in your glove box. That would probably work too. Heh.
the dick who pulls out in front of me when there are no other cars behind me so he could have waited until after me. then he slows me down and when we reach the light, he makes it through and i’m fucked.
OH MY GOD, I HATE THAT TOO!
When I was about 4 or 5, my grandma was driving somewhere and someone cut her off. She followed the woman to her house and slapped her when she got out of the car
That is AWESOME. I think I like your grandma.
HAHAHA! I love this. Your grandma is fabulous.
Go Grandma!!!
Drivers that make me pissed off are the left lane bandits…Possibly you from the sound of it. ppl who get in the fast passing lane when the speed limit is 70 and they actually go 70 and hold up traffic behind them wanting to pass. I hate ppl who try to speed up when you are attempting to pass them. Those are the assholes to me.
OOH! I seem to have touched a nerve! You didn’t happen to be on HWY 101 near Santa Barbara last Sunday by any chance, did you? Do you see yourself in my descriptions?
And for the record, I don’t hang out in the fast lane, I only get over to pass someone. Unless I get sidetracked and forget to get back over. In which case, if someone passes me (legitimately and not asshole-like), I don’t speed up to give them a hard time.
Passing on the right, when there’s a line of cars in the fast lane and you really don’t have anything but a car length to gain is a douche move. That’s my point.
Peggy, you didn’t mean to call my bestie Meghan an asshole, right?
My MIL is a tortise. It drives me insane, other than being slow her driving is so bad I’m trying to figure out how to get the state to force her to retake her driver’s test which she would fail.
For the most part I don’t really notice the other people that go really fast or tailgate. Maybe because here you can pass most places so i don’t run into many tailgaters and usually the Hare who’s passing gets pulled over within a few miles so I laugh. I can easily say I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a Right lane passer. Maybe because I don’t frequent the interstate and most of our roads are two lanes.
People that drive me nuts are people who don’t know how to properly use their blinkers. It’s an extreme pet peeve of mine. Blinkers are not an option on the car so that means use them. Using them then never turning them off so I have to watch the blink blink blink for 10 miles and then you turn the opposite direction of your blinking blinker pisses me off even more than those who don’t use them. I also have major issues with people who make complete stops (at a non stop sign) to make a right hand turn on the highway.
I have to say, without Zoloft, I’d have major road rage.
I could have written this post – all the things that drive me batshit as well. I get so angry…at least having kids in the car, I’ve toned my language down from yelling “f#*king #@ssclown” to “jerk!” Which still makes my children gasp in horror because I’m not being nice to people. I then calmly explain to them that the world is full of crazy drivers and I’m not one of them. Now, when someone cuts me off, they yell “that person needs to go back to driving school.” Raising another generation of road ragers, I guess.
I totally slow down for the tailgaters – like to the speed limit or slower and stay in the lane I’m in. My fav – the tailgater who gets into the carpool lane when they are not a carpool to tailgate you. I go super extra slow for these pricks and bitches. And then laugh my ass off when they end up getting off the same freeway exit as me. I don’t care how late I am or how much of a hurry – I ALWAYS have time to fuck with one of these jerks.
the people who ride my friggin’ ass when I drive?? I want to punch them in the babymaker.
I’m just saying…
Gee, I didn’t realize we drive the same highway every day. Seriously. I deal with the same drivers.
My experiences in the last few days have all been with the Awful Parkers: These people a) back in, in your way somehow, and have to try it ten times before they’re even in the space, b) start reversing out of a spot right next to you even though you are already reversing out of yours, or c) pull through without looking and nearly take you out as you pull in to the spot.
All of the above. I’d like to add, people who use two parking spots. bike riders in the middle of a busy intersection, thinking they are cars. USE THE SIDEWALK. Oh and the lovely people who need to cross five lanes of traffic, but can’t actually be bother to wait until there is no cars in the actual lanes. Is real popular here. Douche canoes.
People in Colorado wouldn’t make it in LA. They all act like Sunday freaking drivers, on a god dam TUESDAY. I spend tons of time yelling in my car. My son’s first sentence may very well be: You’d never make it in LA.
The first “symptom” of pregnancy for me is a HUGE increase in road rage. I can normally keep all my rage in my inner monologue, but if I start flipping off teenagers and handicapped drivers and screaming like a crazy celebrity, I know I better go home and pee on a stick ASAP. And every time I’ve been right.
Personally, I don’t care if you’re a hare, as long as you keep your ass in the right lane. The assholes that sit in the left going at exactly the same speed as the other assholes in the right so that I’m stuck behind TWO assholes going below the speed limit make me lose my damn mind.
I also hate the MFs that can CLEARLY see that everyone needs to merge due to construction, and they wait til they’re practically hitting the blinking arrow before cutting off those of us who have been patiently waiting in f-ing line. I don’t know how many times I have dreamed about ramming them and getting a new car.
OMG, I’m getting angry just typing about it. I need therapy. And ice cream.
(I also swear a lot more when I’m pregnant – only 5 weeks to go.)
LMFAO….. Ditto! Except the pregnant part.
Yes yes and yes. Thanks to these sort of drivers I would like:
1. A large brush-guard to ram people who cut me off really badly.
2. A giant scrolling sign on my roof so the idiots around me actually know what I think of their asshattery.
Also, this isn’t driving but when people park like assholes it drives me crazy. Parking on my moms street is terrtible and is basically broken up into two car spots between driveways. When people park right in the middle, I kind of want to throw a brick through their windows. But I’d totally settle for magnets to put on their cars that say “Congratulations, you parked like a total asshole and everyone hates you!”
Huh. I guess I sound kinda mean. Oh well, they don’t call us Massholes for nothing
I too hate the people above but live in a nice calm rural area now and have less stress from asshat drivers. However when I lived in a busy place I noticed my husband would STOP getting on the expressway instead of yielding. Thus he was never allowed to drive me or the kids while we lived there. That’s another type, random stoppers. Now my big deal is the idiots who drive 35+ on my 15mph dead end street. We had 10 kids get cars on our street in 2 years, now no little kids can ride bikes or play on the street because they simply don’t care and their visiting friends ( that come in droves) do not either. Yet when they were little we took it slow for them. I wanna put 2×4′s with nails in them out and slide them across the road when they are speeding ARG..
I live in Florida, on the beach, where the world goes to die – but must drive slowly before they get there. Oh, and tourists.. I hate them all.
Tourists …. They drive too slow, extremely slow. I understand, you might not know where you are but it doesn’t give you the right to slow the world down.
Old people … apparently don’t appreciate what precious little time they have left on this Earth, shouldn’t they rush everywhere?!?
Holy crap, All if this stuff happened to me on my way home tonight. Justice was served for once, though. The asswipe who passed me ON THE SHOULDER pulled over!!! They actually have cops positioned on the onramp (remember me warning Travis about them when you were with me?!) because so many people pass on the shoulder. WTF? I also wanted to scream (maybe I did) and the guy riding my ass this morning when I was going 50 in a 45 right where I saw that firey crash last month. He waved his arms at me and yelled when I exited. Bastard.
It annoys me when people think the speed limit is a minimum. Uh…you should be able to go 70 in th left lane if you want to and not be harassed. It’s a speed LIMIT, as in MAXIMUM!
As long as you’re passing someone it’s fine!
I do the EXACT same thing with those irritating drivers. I feel that it is just fighting annoying with annoying, which is totally acceptable with asshole drivers.
It is legal here in Massachusetts to pass on the right and if people would not put put in the oassing lane, I would not have to. If I can drive in Boston, I can drive anywhere.
“You wouldn’t make it in L.A!”
Hmm, I guess I missed something? I’m one of those asshole “Sunday drivers” in Colorado, and um, why do I want to go to L.A?