I’ve been noticing lately, or forever really, what seems like an air of superiority that some people have regarding motherhood. You can see it in underhanded or cryptic remarks made in blog comments or on Twitter.
Sometimes, they’re not even cryptic, it’s simply a flat “You suck and I am awesome because you do “X” and I do “Z” and everyone knows that “X’ers” are horrible, horrible mothers.”
No, really, that happens.
This all leaves me thinking long and hard about what REALLY makes a good mother?
Are you a better mother if you stay home with your kids instead of going to work? Are you a better mother if you work because you HAVE to, and a worse mother if you work because you WANT to?
Are you a better mother if you send your kids to private school instead of public school?
Are you a better mother if you breastfeed exclusively for 12 months and then *continue* to breastfeed for the next 12 years, instead of weaning or switching to formula, or, GASP, formula feeding from the get go?
Are you a better mother if you attachment parent? Are you a better mother if you feed your kids a strictly gluten free organic vegan diet?
The answer, of course, is NO. None of those things on their own makes you a better mother.
None of those things COMBINED makes you a better mother.
In my opinion, part of being a good mother means sometimes taking your own well being and needs into account when making decisions about how you mother your children.
Everyone knows that, nutritionally speaking, “breast is best.” I think at this point in time no one is going to argue with that statement. BUT that doesn’t mean that every mother can, or should, breastfeed.
Formula feeding your child because you need to take medication, for depression, for chronic illness, or for whatever, doesn’t make you a sub-par mother. Recognizing that those medications will keep you present and functioning, even alive in some cases, and *able* to parent your child automatically makes it a good decision for both of you.
Thinking about the pros and cons and deciding that private, public, home or “un” school is what’s best for your child is what is important, not which one of them you pick. The same goes for cloth diapers vs. disposable. Co-sleeping vs. putting your kid in their own room from day one. Cry it out vs. never letting them cry. The list goes on and on.
The point is, there is no black and white when it comes to being a good mother. Putting your beliefs onto others doesn’t do anyone any good. You may not know the entire story about why someone made the choices they made. You may not like them, but the good news is, they aren’t YOUR choices.
As mothers, we don’t all have to sit in a campfire circle and hold hands and chant, or be every one’s biggest cheerleader. BUT, take a step back and realize that maybe, just *maybe*, you don’t always know what’s best for someone else and their family. You really only know what’s best for you and your family.
And even figuring that out might be a challenge sometimes.
This mothering thing ain’t easy. Don’t make it harder for other people than it has to be.
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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
CanI get an “AMEN” and also, thank you very much!!
Amen, Sistah. I was horrified by the negative comments Heather received this week. I am saddened, but not surprised, that people stoop so low. Thank you for this post.
Also, this pic of you and the boys makes me smile because you have your glasses on your head – I couldn’t help but wonder if they were there for the whole delivery.
AMEN.
When I was pregnant with Emma, and even when she was alive, things were very black and white for me. If you were to be a good parent you would do xy and z. If you didn’t do these things, you didn’t care about your child as much as I do.
Then after she died, I realized that x,y&z didn’t matter. What really mattered is if you TRIED.
If you TRY to be a good Mom. If you do your very best everyday, whatever that is, that is what is the most important thing.
Sometimes it is a really hard lesson to learn. It always makes me so sad when I hear (or read) others who have that self-righteous attitude about parenting. I just pray they don’t have to learn the hard way like I did.
Great post Meghan.
Preach it. Why isn’t this official mom code?
guarros´s last [type] ..Precious Baby
Amen, Amen Meghan! So glad I read this post tonight. I always am amazed at the innuendo’s and judgements that take place subtedly and not so subtedly (did I spell that right?) on the internet and in real life. It needs to be pointed out and written about and exposed until people just stop and keep their remarks to themselves. I had PPD and had so much judgement about so many of the issues you mentioned, that it made me doubt myself and feel guilt that no mother, no mother deserves or needs to pile onto herself. It plainly sucks to be doing the best you can do (which most of us do) and be able to feel confident about the choices we make and not have to defend them.
Personally, I believe the people who judge are the ones with something to hide. (Hope I’m not sounding judgy now). But if you have to shove your way of doing things down some other poor tired mother’s throat, then it’s you that has the problem. (in my humble opinion). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what is so hard for us women (cos it’s rarely men) to simply SUPPORT each other and be in each other’s corner no matter what. I love what you said here and will pass on your post. Thanks for pointing out that we need to be a village, not an island. : ) : )
Tricia´s last [type] ..The Gift Of You
Awesome post!!! Whatever is best for YOU and best for YOUR kid makes you the best mom you can be. “I may not always be the best mom, but I am a mom who always does my best.”
AMEN! You nailed it..I formula feed my son and I bottle feed my daughter breast milk from a complete stranger ( breast milk bank) bc I coudln’t produce enough milk for her and she threw up every formula I tried to give her. Both my kids are happy and healthy.
very well said, Meghan!
I cannot believe that comment on Heather’s post. I was like what the fuck. who writes that shit on a post about grieving?
pamela´s last [type] ..A Letter to my 24 year old self
Thank you! For some of us, it’s so easy to get caught up in thinking that we’re making the wrong decision. At least for me, I’m always fretting on if how I’m raising my daughter is the right way or am I going to scar her for life. Why do we feel like on mode of parenting is better than another or that some moms are superior to the rest of us. I hate that. Thank you for being a mom that let’s the rest of us know we’re doing a great job.
Gamanda´s last [type] ..We’ve survived two years!
Hey there! First of all – HELLO, and sorry for dropping off the face of the earth again! (Expect an email from me shortly
Next – LOVE this post! Perfectly said, and one I’ll probably be referring to a lot in the future (you know, as people start to tell me what I should/should not do for my little one… which I’ve only avoided up til this point because she’s only just now starting to show)
BRAVO, Meghan. BRAVO!
I hate judging in any form. It bothers me. And unfortunately I believe Moms are the most judged people out there. It seems like the second you get pregnant, people are telling you what NOT to do and all it does is build doubt and fear. As if being a mom isn’t hard enough as it is.
Pocklock´s last [type] ..The End
Awesome post and a big ol’ AMEN to this:
“In my opinion, part of being a good mother means sometimes taking your own well being and needs into account when making decisions about how you mother your children.”
Love you, lady! xo
Amen.
Very well said!
Great post! I wish I could have read something like that when. I was a young mom. The judgement continues even when your children are older teens. Most do stupid things growing up, but I resent getting “the look” from others, for questionable choices she has made. Isn’t the point to raise them to go out, spread their wings, try, and learn from their mistakes? Does it make me a bad mom when the mistakes happen? Wow, guess this hit a spot for me.
It’s sad that it has to be said, but darling, you say it so well. xo.
I found my way to this post thru Twitter and want to say THANK YOU for this. My sons are now 22 & 24 and I STILL feel the sharp pain of guilt sometimes for formula feeding. (long story why, it wasn’t becasue I didn’t want to) I had some very negative things said to me, and by people I barely knew!
Great post. I love the way you articulated your point.
Luff. Great job, girl.
Meghan is the best!! Meghan is the best!!
Amen, my sister.
I’m so glad you stood up to that dingbat. Honestly, aside from the fact that you wrote a beautiful piece, I am outraged that you have to actually articulate what should be a given. Everybody should just worry about themselves and their own families. Don’t we teach our kids not to BULLY? Ugh.
I have nothing to add other than WELL SAID!
It seems like such common sense to me, why do some feel the need to give others a hard time. Thank you for writing this!
amy d´s last [type] ..Jackson Noir
I… respectfully, sort-of-disagree. Let’s start by saying that I don’t lambaste anyone, ever, for their choices, as I do recognize that it’s neither a kind nor an effective thing to do. But I’m just not so sure that this, “anything goes, because mom knows best” attitude is a healthy, or correct, one. I’m an empiricist; I believe that, on most issues, there’s a right and a wrong answer, a best and a less-than-best choice. And moms- people- aren’t created equally. Some moms- some people- are just better educated, better informed, and/or are more thoughtful, or in the privileged position of being able to be more thoughtful, about these things than others are. Moms who formula feed because they don’t want to breastfeed and because they think that formula it’s “just as good” or it’s fine because “other formula fed babies have turned out just fine”… are wrong, or inadequately informed on the subject. It’s just that simple. Formula won’t kill your babies, but it’s simply subpar in every way. In some circumstances, like those you’ve outlined, it may be necessary. But using the rare exception to justify a movement to coddle moms who are making inferior choices and make them feel empowered by it, that’s… maybe irresponsible?
I don’t think that an assessment of another woman’s mothering can come down to a single choice. And I don’t really care to assess other mother’s anyway. I’m certainly not making snide comments at the park (or on their blogs) to moms with bottles. I don’t think moms who formula feed are worse mothers, but I do think they are making a worse choice. I support their right to make it and am not throwing stones at anyone. But this idea that they “know best” when they’re making inferior choices is weird and misguided.
I have to agree whole-heartedly with Meghan’s reply to your comment. Coming here and telling mothers they’re doing it wrong when it comes to formula-feeding and making “a worse choice.”
Personally, I’m a big proponent of educating women on the facts of breastfeeding, the act of breastfeeding, and helping them through the (VERY) difficult first weeks of breastfeeding. I would never tell a woman they were making a “worse” or “inferior” choice by making their own decisions. THIS is your learning through empiricism. Empiricism is not insulting people to behave the way you want them to act.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last [type] ..What’s your weight
By your standards, then, Jessica, I made an inferior choice to avoid major depression, sleeplessness, resentment of my child, husband and general day-to-day misery for everyone in my home when I decided that four months of breastfeeding was as much as my son was going to receive? That makes absolutely no sense at all. It was very hard decision to make, mostly because I respected the opinions of other holier-than-thou mothers who made sweeping statements like the ones you have, above.
My point is that motherhood is filled with shades of grey. There are many instances when choosing the theoretically “right” answer just isn’t right at all. Being physically ABLE to parent just has to be more important in some instances.
Yes, by my standards, you did make an inferior choice where feeding your child was concerned. Sounds like you had very valid reasons, and of course, you needn’t justify them to anyone. But the fact remains that children nourished with formula are getting substandard nutrition; circumstances and feelings don’t change that. I understand why you might interpret that emotionally but it’s not the spirit in which it’s intended. It’s intended as fact. Facts don’t have to make people feel bad if they don’t let them.
Formula-feeder here. *waves*
My two and a half year old was formula fed. I am pregnant now and plan on formula.
I am not misinformed or wrong and I stand by my decisions.
You’re making an inferior choice. Feeding a baby formula is inferior to feeding him or her breastmilk. It’s simply fact. How you feel about that is your business and I honestly don’t care either way. It’s the attitude of “anyone with an opinion is right!” that I find ludicrous. Of course everyone has the RIGHT to do what they wish. Doesn’t make their choice the best one.
I’ll agree to disagree.
And I’ll bet my formula fed baby can kick your breastfed baby’s ass.
Hey Allison? Good for you for knowing what you want.
Formula feeder x 3 here.
Thanks, Issa! So nice to have woman who support other woman around!!
xoxo
Somehow this: “Let’s start by saying that I don’t lambaste anyone, ever, for their choices, as I do recognize that it’s neither a kind nor an effective thing to do.”
And then this: “Moms who formula feed because they don’t want to breastfeed and because they think that formula it’s “just as good” or it’s fine because “other formula fed babies have turned out just fine”… are wrong, or inadequately informed on the subject. It’s just that simple.”
Somehow cancel each other out in one comment. How very interesting. Basically, you are right and we are all idiots? It’s that simple huh?
I formula fed all three of my children. By choice. I find breastfeeding to be amazing, but it didn’t work for me the first time and I saw no reason to try again. My children are absolutely amazing. They are healthy and thriving. I guess maybe my college degree didn’t teach me about formula’s subpar quality. Oh well. Maybe in my next life.
For what it’s worth? My mother was formula fed in the mid-50′s. She has a Ph.D. and is one of the most alive, healthy women I know.
Coming to someone’s post and then choosing to judge everyone else? Not cool. I am not a bad mother. I’m sure as shit not a perfect mother either. Choosing to not breastfeed my babies has really nothing to do with my parenting. However nothing about my parenting choices is your business. I don’t need to be judged by you or anyone else. Nor does anyone else here.
Issa´s last [type] ..Today I choose to be thankful
Are you not able to comprehend the difference between, “you are wrong”; there is a right and a wrong answer to this particular inquiry, and your answer is not the correct one” and “you are bad”? Really?
And good for you and your Ph.D. mother. Did you guys skip the part of college where they teach you that, “But I did X and I’m fine!” isn’t a valid rebuttal to empirical statistics?
Jessica – you are kidding yourself if you think that you are not making an assessment of a woman’s mothering because you make an observation at the park and you decide not to make a snide comment. The very fact that you are aware of the observation, that you view it as an inferior choice, and the conscious choice you make not to comment, is an assessment of their mothering. An assessment based on one observation, one factor. You just choose not to express it.
It is true that I am making a “judgment” about her feeding choice- that is, it is either the best choice, or it is not. But that’s not an opinion, it’s a fact.
What I am not doing is judging her as a mother. I have no idea if she’s the best mother in the world or the worst, because obviously that kind of judgment requires far, far more information. Also- I don’t care, I really don’t, what kind of mom she is. I hope she’s great. But, really, whatever.
I’m judging her choice, simply, as either the best choice, or not.
Jessica,
I think you missed my point. And in doing so, did pretty much exactly what you say you *don’t* do.
First off: I said, flat out, that breast if best. The key here, is that it’s best nutritionally for the baby. That doesn’t necessarily translate to being best in the OVERALL situation. And I feel VERY strongly that ALL the circumstances need to be taken into account. A mother isn’t going to decide she doesn’t want to breastfeed because formula is “just as good.” There is, without a doubt, more involved in that thought process. Just because you don’t agree with it or understand it, doesn’t mean that she’s making “inferior choices.”
Second: Not making snide remarks to bottle feeding mothers at the park is great. But coming *here* and doing it doesn’t make it any better. A mother struggling with her choices isn’t going to see your comment and not feel judged or bad about herself. Just because it’s not in public and no one knows who you “really” are doesn’t make it okay or make you sound any less judgemental. And yes, your comment is full of judgement and an air of superiority.
My point was, and is: It’s not up to you, or me, or anyone else to decide what is best for another person’s situation. And making them feel like an ass because you don’t agree with their choices? Isn’t cool. At all.
As I stated, I think it’s silly, and wrong, to assess a mother- if that’s something you’re in the business of doing- on the basis of one decision. Judgment, in the morality sense or a competitive “who’s better?” sense is ridiculous, futile. But a “judgment” that breastfeeding is undeniably a better choice for all BUT those you’ve elucidated in your “exceptions” is more of an assertion than anything. If you want to call it a “judgment”, that’s fine, but I think of it more as a fact. And I’m sorry, I suppose, that some people are insecure about facts, but that doesn’t change the truth of the matter.
I simply think this atmosphere of “everyone’s opinion is valid” is kind of ridiculous. And I know if the topic were, say, “Is it okay to molest a child?”, you’d agree that there’s a clear, objective answer, and those that “have a different opinion” are, quite simply, wrong. I just happen to believe that there are clear, objective answers for lots of things that other people to be grounds for differing opinions. Breastfeeding is an easy example. All children deserve it and thrive on it better as opposed to formula, barring extreme circumstances.
Please tell me you didn’t just equate formula feeding to molestation. Please tell me that you aren’t truly going there? WTF is wrong with you?
As someone who was molested as a young child, I really hope you think before you say something that dumb again.
Issa´s last [type] ..Today I choose to be thankful
You totally beat me to it, Issa.
I can actually pick through some of the rational she is stating in her comments but unfortunately, it’s mired in so much asshat vernacular that it’s dismissive.
Loralee´s last [type] ..Who is this person and what have you done with Loralee
She lost me at that. Anything said prior and in the future is now colored by that one statement.
Issa´s last [type] ..Today I choose to be thankful
You know, as I wrote that, I was tempted to include a disclaimer that I, of course, was not saying that people who formula feed are as bad as child molesters, but I decided not to, because I had faith that most people here had basic reading comprehension skills. Clearly my faith was misguided.
If you have two brain cells to rub together, it’s clear I’m not equating formula feeding to molestation.
Equating formula feeding to molestation would look like this: “Formula feeding is like molestation.” or “Formula feeding is as bad as molestation.” or “If you formula feed, you might as well molest your baby.”
But I did not say that and I do not believe that there is any connection between the two. I do make moral judgments about molesters- they’re disgusting and should be kept far, far away from innocent children. I do not make moral judgments about formula feeding. I have no idea if you’re a good person or a bad person, or a good mom or a bad mom, based on your feeding choice. I just know if you are making the RIGHT decision or the WRONG one.
What I did say is that some things are FACTS- 2 + 2= 4; gravity exists; molestation is wrong; breastmilk is superior nutrition for every baby- and other things are OPINIONS- blue is the best color, chocolate tastes good.
Got it now?
I pray nothing truly bad ever happens to you. Because equating formula feeding to being molested just screams “karma kick my ass”. Know something, when my son was born my milk was subpar. Formula was by far the quality nutrition my son needed. I I’d continued to feed him my subpar breastmilk he’d be dead.
If I might add, I think anyone who rationalizes their own judgment of strangers, whether verbally or non-verbally fall into the same boat. I am on that boat sometimes, so I can accept my responsibility as well.
One may look at a mother at a park feeding a baby formula and think to themselves that is the wrong choice, but refrain from being openly judgmental. The issue I see here is the rationalization that that judgment is not only correct but acceptable as well. In this instance, the baby could have an allergy to breastmilk, rendering breast milk the “wrong” choice. The child may also have been adopted, therefore the mother can’t breastfeed. The point is that unless you know someone and their motivations and reasonings behind each step they make, your judgment is an assumption. Additionally, consider how much is learned through science daily. Is anyone willing to say “what I know if fact and forever will be fact?” How a mother reaches her decision is not up to anyone else, but don’t we owe her the benefit of the doubt that her decision was an informed one? Can we not accept that 2 people can read the same information and make separate decisions based on the same information?
The point of this great blog post to me is that We Don’t Know others circumstances. Judging others makes us look like an ass and to be hurtful in any way of another mother who struggles just like the rest of us is not only bringing the judged woman down, but does a disservice to motherhood in general.
My “judgment” is not really a moral evaluation of anyone else, but an assertion that in many situations, there are objectively correct “better” choices. I don’t care, personally, what people choose. I don’t care to rank them on a scale of best to worst mother, overall. I just think it’s irresponsible to nurture the idea that all choices are created equal. They’re not. There’s a right answer. Just as you’d say that, no, 2 + 2 does not equal 5, I say, no, formula feeding is not a “just as valid” choice. It’s subpar. You might be the greatest mom to walk the earth, but if you’re formula feeding- barring extreme circumstances- you’ve NOT made the best choice where feeding your infant is concerned.
But wait, you didn’t say whether you think its okay for a mother to not breastfeed given the circumstances that Christina stated. Is that okay to make the choice to formula feed, when you have no other choice? Or would it be better to, I don’t know, start a baby on solids, because we all know solids aren’t “sub-par” rather than feed them formula, because breast milk isn’t an option? What would be the “best” decision then?
I have read the same breastfeeding articles, stats and facts. It doesn’t mean I think they are right. Facts are facts. But sometimes facts are wrong, thats just the plain and simple truth.
It really is these kind of attitudes and remarks that lead to seriously messed up mothers (among other things)… in a world where a woman feeling inadequate because of judgmental people is so common, maybe you should just try to see that sometimes compassion and an open mind are much more helpful. And I tend to think that if you are a mother, you maybe had an easy time breastfeeding?? Had you struggled or been on the business end of some seriously bad PPD, you maybe wouldn’t have such black and white feelings on breastfeeding and that for some, there really is NO choice. I think you should just try to see that Yes, Breast is best, for a baby. But sometimes whats best for a Mother, ultimately leads to whats BETTER for a baby. I would argue until the bitter end that if a mother isn’t healthy, it doesnt mean shit that she breastfed, because she isn’t going to be a happy nor present parent for her children. And I think thats WAY more important.
Breast is best… at what expense?
And I’m sorry, but did you seriously compare breastfeeding to molesting a child?? Um, a far stretch to say the least.
Jessica, one of my very best friends tried to breastfeed. Her baby was continuous losing weight, fussy, and became lethargic. It turns out her milk was essentially water. Her body would have kept producing it as long as she tried to breastfeed, but something was physically wrong with her body that it could not provide a nourishing milk for her newborn baby. She formula fed after that. Her baby is flourishing. I will be sure to tell her that her decision, although necessary in every means, was “inferior.”
My milk came in late. While I still tried to breastfeed multiple times every single day, my doctor had me supplement with formula (which I believe is a common thing to do) until my milk came in AS TO NOT STARVE MY NEWBORN BABY. The next time I see him, I will be sure to chastize him for his “inferior” suggestion in keeping my child nourished and healthy.
And comparing formula feeding to molestation?! Have you ever been molested? I am pretty sure that if you could take a poll, especially among people who have been or know someone effected by molestation, they would take the formula feeding over being molested any day of the week.
I think you made an “inferior” choice by making that comparison.
Sara´s last [type] ..The New Favorite
Thanks for posting this, I’m very much in agreement that we need to find some balance, stop trying to be perfect and learn some tolerance and compassion for one another. Motherhood is not a competition.
Wait a minute…is Jessica equating formula feeding to MOLESTING a child?
Alimartell´s last [type] ..Two Things
Why, YES, I think she did!
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..Sunday Funday…
Awesome post, Meghan. I’m not touching what Polly Perfectmom up there said with a ten-foot stick. But I will say that I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Tricia´s last [type] ..All good things are wild and free – Henry David Thoreau