The answer, obviously, is yes. When they are OLDER and can appreciate each other for their differences.
But at 6 and 3, the answer (in our house at least) is a very loud and resounding NO. Brothers can not be friends.
Dylan and Zachary spend 99% of their time together fighting. Over everything. Who gets the blue cereal bowl. Who gets to turn the TV off. Who gets to go to bed first. Who gets to get into the bath first. Who gets to get out of the bath first. Who gets to play Wii, because god forbid they play it together.
The 1% of the time that they are getting along is so much fun. For everyone. But those moments are fleeting and seem to be over in a heartbeat. And then they’re back to fighting and yelling and crying and teasing and…I am at my wit’s end.
I asked DJ yesterday how we could force them to be friends. But really, I don’t need them to be friends right now. That can come later. I really just need them to stop FIGHTING. Because the arguing is bad enough, but it’s beginning to escalate to biting and hitting and punching. And that? Is not cool.
I refuse to raise boys who hate each other.
But I have no idea how to turn the tide and make them get along. Even a little bit.
Help?
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so glad I am not alone. I’m pretty sure that Nolan and Peyton are going to try to maim each other–or worse–some days. Aaron and the twins get along AMAZINGLY well (I think the eight-year gap has more to do with that than anything). I found a book called Siblings without Rivalry that I keep saying I want to read, but most of the time I’m too hopeless about it to feel like anyone has the answers. If you find the solution, let me know…before they actually DO maim each other.
Allyson´s last [type] ..Love hurts
It’s simple – give one away! HA! If only it was that easy! I wish that I had advice for you but I don’t. I have two girls; seven & almost thirteen. All they do is fight! And the almost thirteen year old is usually the instigator! I’m interested to see what advice you get!
Amy´s last [type] ..A PSA for People Who Were Accosted By A Gas Hose
Same story at my house with boys ages 4 and 2. I said many times that I didn’t think my youngest would live to see his 2nd birthday! Well, luckily he did, but nothing has changed. Let us all know if you find something that works!
Oy, I wish I knew. Mine are 10 and 8 and it’s Battle of the Brothers around here all the damn time.
My five and three year old are either best friends or trying to commit homicide on one another. Some weeks I feel like they never get along then some weeks they click and do well together but just as I take note of it they are back to wringing the others’ neck. It’s incredibly frustrating.
I took heart in the chapter of Nurture Shock that said all evidence points to the fact that siblings who fight terribly when they’re young actually have better relationships as adults than those siblings that are more or less indifferent to one another growing up. It doesn’t seem like much when I’m peeling them off one another but at the end of the day it IS something.
rkmama´s last [type] ..Hair’s done!
I have no words of wisdom as the mama of a lone daughter, but I’m doing a dance to the Parenting Gods in your honor. ::::booty shaking:::
I know this won’t make you feel any better, but this post makes ME feel better, because I always feel – from your posts and pictures – like your boys are THE BEST OF FRIENDS. This now makes me feel better about my kids who fight all the damn time.
love you.
xoxo
Personally I’m going to go with Ali’s method of making the kids hold hands when they are fighting.
At 8 and 6 we are in the same boat. Who brushes his teeth first, who gets up the stairs first (complete with pushing and shoving), HRH hates Gremlin’s choice of Wii games yet they fight over sharing their own DSi games. You can’t win but at least you’re not alone.
When they get too physical, I throw them in their rooms and scream a lot. Yeah, I got nothin’.
Manic Mommy´s last [type] ..Okay- Maybe Its a Little True
I am right there with you on this – my girls are 8 and 10 and all they do is constantly annoy the crap out of each other. Usually started by the 8yo but not always. We are currently in family therapy to try to deal with the fall out. Not pretty, not pretty. But it is making me feel better, not quite like such a loon
Beth´s last [type] ..Oh my – a post that rambles and doesnt make sense- even to me
It’s not necessarily a bad thing, they are finding out who is top dog. I think as long as they know they are loved and valued as individuals as well as brothers and perhaps be as obvious as talking about being family and brothers and even when you bicker you are there for each other. I am surprised now mine are older how many things they remember that I said to them about that. I do remember it being hard to always follow the keep calm and don’t react advice but perhaps trying to not make too much a deal of it but saying something along the lines of loving each other really might help. They aren’t going to hate each other all their lives, it just seems that way now.
Penbleth´s last [type] ..And then I just gave up and left my open wallet on the doorstep
My boys are 10 and 13. I hate to tell you that you have a long road ahead of you. There are days that I want to lock them both outside the house. But then there are other days, like last night, when the older one took the younger one to the ballfield to help him practice. There are days that I hear them talking in the other room discussing the differences between the Elementary School and Middle School and the older one telling the younger one the cools things that he has to look forward to and what teachers to hope for. I love those days!
I have 11 and 13 yr olds, both in middle school. It’s gotten so much better now that they are experiencing the same social groups/activites. Heck, they even have the same friends now. I’m sure it’ll change next year when the oldest hits high school though.
Hate to tell you, but it goes on until they are about 20…..
I was actually thinking about Matt & E as I wrote this. Both in an “OH GOD, NOT LIKE THAT” kind of way in regards to their childhood and in an “OH, AWESOME” kind of way about their relationship now. HA.
SO. I just have to get through the next 15 years without killing them?
Oh no. I got nothing. I just know that I’m terrified of my girls hating each other. Does the fact that they’re girls raise the odds of that too? I was an only child and all I ever wanted was a sibling. What if these kids just wish they were an only child? ACK.
Whether they’re friends or not, there’s some unwritten law that they have to be Best Man in each other’s weddings, right? So at least there’s, uh, THAT.
Hugs.
Lyndsay Cool Legumes´s last [type] ..Blogging about Blogging
When my girls fight excessively, I make them sit next to each and hug until they’re nice. It usually only takes a few seconds b/c they’re laughing so much.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last [type] ..We’re raising our kids to be sick- selfish autoimmune petri dishes
I wish you luck, truly. I see my younger brother maybe once a year, and just met his four children for the first time at Christmas. I think I read somewhere that parents aren’t supposed to get involved in arguments or squabbles until things get physical… but I don’t know how I feel about that.
IrrationalDad´s last [type] ..The one where I make excuses
The best way to unite them is to give them a common enemy. May I suggest their father? Tell them that Dad has said it’s time to throw away the Wii and, also, they will no longer be getting meals they must head out to the wild and kill/scavenge what they eat. Trust me. This will totally work.
Got 3 and 6yr old boys of my own that are THROWING DOWN as we speak. I’m thinking of setting up a boxing ring and charging admission.
I spoke to a therapist-friend and she said that siblings fighting was healthy. Home is the safe place, where you can explore relationships, tease each other and still know that you’re loved.
Doesn’t make it any less annoying for the parents, though.
Marinka´s last [type] ..In Case of Sudden Death
I can’t get past the part where they fight to go to bed FIRST. That’s your silver lining right there!
My girls are grown now, but they were born 18 months apart. Once they understood numbers we used this system, on even numbered days Older Daughter was first, on odd numbered days Younger Daughter was first. It worked usually. They never fought physically, but they were competitive. Good luck.