I’ve addressed this subject before. I put it to bed then and, honestly, didn’t want to think about it much more because it makes me angry and gives me headaches. I have three loud, demanding boys who are good enough at giving me headaches that I don’t need random internet people to do it for me.
But then I inadvertently walked into a shit storm on Twitter tonight and BAM, here we are again.
I had three epidurals. I loved my three epidurals. They were exactly what *I* needed at the time. They made *my* labors pleasant and enjoyable and everything *I* had always wanted in a birthing experience. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. If I were to do it a fourth time, I wouldn’t change a thing.
But lots of people I know, people I love and adore and admire, didn’t have epidurals. They went the natural route, endured all of the pain that an epidural could have erased and managed to persevere through it. And I admire them for it. It’s certainly not something that I had the confidence or want to do. I don’t judge them for their choice, I don’t make assumptions on their parenting abilities based on that choice. I don’t think they are better or worse people for it. It’s the choice that they made at the time. It’s what was right for them, and it worked for them. Just as my choice worked for me.
Placing labels on people, mothers, because they birthed their children differently than you is a disservice to us all. It cheapens your experience. It cheapens my experience. It somehow serves to lessen the joy and love and exceptional beauty of what we both went through. As I’ve said before, the same can be said for judging or criticizing people for choosing to have a c-section, formula feeding their baby, or choosing to work instead of being a stay at home mother.
YOU, judgy internet people, don’t have the knowledge, know how or right to say what’s best for me. Or what’s best for her, or for that woman over there, or for the one up there, or for ANYONE for that matter.
I can’t say it enough, even though some day I hope to never have to say it again:
As mothers, we don’t all have to sit in a campfire circle and hold hands and chant, or be every one’s biggest cheerleader. BUT, take a step back and realize that maybe, just *maybe*, you don’t always know what’s best for someone else and their family. You really only know what’s best for you and your family.
And even figuring that out might be a challenge sometimes.
This mothering thing ain’t easy. Don’t make it harder for other people than it has to be.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
And some of us don’t get to make the choices on some of these issues. After 6 IVFs, 2 pregnancy losses – we adopted our adorable (now 6 year old daughter) via an open domestic adoption.
After pumping my body with hormones for three years and putting myself at risk for certain Cancers, I was not willing to take more hormones on the chance I might be able to breastfeed. So I researched and got the best formula I could with all the DHA/AHA ingredients for her brain development.
I support women doing what is best for them, I only wish other mother’s felt the same way. Mothers – this is NOT a competition. We are all just doing the best we can on a daily basis.
And as a final note – had I been able to carry a pregnancy to term – I would have had an epidural. No doubt – no need to wear your ass out laboring before the pushing begins. Just my 2 cents.
I don’t respect someone for not getting an epidural… in my opinion, it doesn’t make her anymore of a mom… anymore strong, or tough, or better, or anything. Personally, i don’t give a shit how you have your kid, but i do give a shit if you think i suck for the way i had mine.
Here’s the problem with us moms…. we’re WOMEN. and women judge, compete, talk shit, backstab, gang up, etc. But the other thing about women? We are also each others biggest supporters, confidants, and superstars.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that no one has the right to tell anyone what is best for them. But people have a hard time keeping their opinions (no matter how harsh or cruel) to themselves. Everyone is so concerned with being “right” all the time. But being right is subjective….. and people forget that they arent the boss of everyone else.
Step off your almighty high horse people and shut the fuck up about decisions that are none of your business and don’t affect you.
jennster´s last [type] ..and then a bee flew in my window
Just remember that you are the best parent you can be and all your decisions work for you and your family. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should have done something!
And, for the record: I had 3 epidurals too and loved every second of it!!
neena´s last [type] ..Victory Lap
As you probably already know, I totally agree with you here. In the majority of circumstances, I’m pretty sure I know what’s best for me and my family – just as I’m pretty sure you know what’s best for you and yours. They might not be the same, but hey, we’re not the same either. To each his own, because what works for one does NOT work for all. And I won’t judge you (well… out loud… or for too long…) for doing it differently than me, and I’d love it if you (you= general you, not YOU, oh-wonderful-Meghan) tried to do the same for me (feel free to judge away in your mind, though, we all do it… I’d just appreciate not having to actually listen to it!)
Brilliantly said and couldn’t agree with you more!
What a great post – so very true.
Here’s the part that drives me bonkers: IT’S NOT A CONTEST. You had a completely unmedicated birth? Congratulations! Here’s your prize: a healthy baby. And it’s the same prize that I got for my epidural birth, and that so-and-so got for her C-section birth, and so on.
Childbirth is a means to an end. The whole point is to end up with a healthy mom and healthy baby. If the end result is the same, who is anyone to judge the different paths it took us to get there?
Amen! As my old dad used to say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, but I don’t necessarily want to see yours”. That being said, you have to do what is right for you. Period.
I had a c-section after a very long difficult labor. A week before my second daughter was born, my MIL asked if the doctor said I would be able to “do it right this time?”. *face palm*
I had 2 epidurals – one because I was headed for a c-section anyway, and the other because I wanted it. And good thing too – I had a VBAC with my second baby. She was sunny-side up, 9lbs and tore me so bad it took 6 months to heal (only 1 month with my csection). Both my kids are formula-fed, and perfectly healthy.
If I have any more children, I will get an epidural again. No doubt.
I hate this argument, because we all make different choices.
Beth´s last [type] ..Sweet Shot Tuesday
Amen, sister. Sing it.
Love you big time.
Amen! What’s best for me or my kids might not be best for yours and that’s totally okay by me.
I so wanted to try an epidural with my last delivery and the anestesiologist didn’t get to the hospital in time. After having 2 children 15 months apart over 14 years ago, I was scared to endure such pain in my thirties. I knew this baby was my last, so I ordered an epidural and never got it. The doctor came in afterward and introduced himself and made some comment like “Wow! I guess your contractions were going way faster than my car!” I’m pretty sure I told him to get the eff out of my room I’ll never get to have the epi, but dammit, I tried.
Last I checked there were no trophies waiting for me if I were to chose a unmedicated birth. I didn’t choose that. I had an epidural because I felt I needed one. And then, when I had my second baby, I had my second epidural. While my mom loved to joke that this wasn’t real labor, I did get a very real and healthy baby out of the situation. Are there risks? Sure, there are risks to every single medical procedure. There are risks to going for a walk. There are risks every time I get in my car. We face risks every minute, of every day and we choose what is right for us in that moment.
Mama Bub´s last [type] ..All Ive ever wanted
Great post, friend!!
As a single 30-something who hopes to have a kid one day I talk a big game. I say I don’t want an epidural (heck, right now I don’t even want to know the sex of the baby that I may some day have) if/when I have a child. I’m sure that decision may or may not change by the time I actually get pregnant, carry a child for 9 months and give birth. Whatever I do decide, when the time comes, will be what’s best for ME and I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks!!
I heart you! XOXO
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..Because I Love Her…
This post is spot on… AGAIN.
Nobody is any more of a hero at the end of the day than the other person. The bottom line is, we’re all mothers and we’re all putting our children before us.
I’ve never understood why (a) it’s ok for another mother (or non-mother) to question a mother’s choices during labor and delivery at all and (b) why it’s NOT ok for one side of the argument – usually this particular WHO GIVES A RAT’S ASS HOW THE BABY COMES OUT, JUST COME OUT SAFE AND HEALTHY side – to have a valid argument in the “debate.”
It’s a one-sided debate that just burns me up. I don’t care how your baby gets here or how it’s fed or worn or whatever, just keep it healthy and fed and happy.
Thank you Meghan!
Love,
The woman who has a scheduled c-section in 8 weeks.
After YEARS of medical intervention (no really 7IVFs and 3 surgeries in 10 years) I went completely granola hippy overboard when pregnant. I in no way wanted any intervention, if I could have I would have had a home birth.
1 -hubby was not comfortable with this. He couldn’t correlate going from full assist to hands off
2 – I became pre-eclamptic
3 – V presented Frank and flipped to breach when my water broke (the stinker!)
So I had a C. And I’m fine with it.
And, although I won’t be having another, I’ve often thought ‘hmm, epi and C made things pretty easy’ I can’t say I’d feel that way if I was pregnant again, I can’t say what I’d select or what options I’d have, but I get both positions.
I don’t feel denied anything, I know I did everything the best I could and I’ve got my baby girl in my arms (which is really the point right?)
neeroc´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Summertime!
Aaaand I somehow deleted the first bit:
Right on! I think it’s much better if we all try to understand rather than trenching in and judging.
neeroc´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Summertime!
Why exactly do you feel like you need to explain yourself? Moms are the most amazing creatures on this planet, and you have no need to justify your choices in the process of becoming one.
IrrationalDad´s last [type] ..And then there was vagina
A-M-E-N!
SO well said Meghan!
amy d´s last [type] ..Contemplating Happiness
If you don’t want people to have epidurals, put together some scientific evidence and start a foundation. Call your congressperson and try to get a law passed. Lobby the Federal Drug Administration. Do whatever you think will be effective.
But shaming people who have had epidurals, or nagging people who are considering them? Not effective.
I don’t have a dog in this fight, but I have encountered the same kind of attitude when people find out I am a vegetarian and want to prove me wrong. They want to grill me and make me provide proof it is better. Step off. I don’t have to educate anyone about my food choices (even though there is lots of good evidence about the benefits, but if they need that they can Google it) and I don’t give my meat-eating friends a hard time about theirs. If my meat-eating friends ever say something like “I’m considering eating less meat, can you help me get some ideas about what to eat” then I’ll have that conversation.
But I am neither going to be pulled into or push that conversation when one of the parties doesn’t want to have it. That’s just rude.
Suebob´s last [type] ..Scientists are like honey badgers
Very well said. Ultimately we can only do what is best and right for us and even that may well change with changing circumstances. There are no medals for enduring childbirth without aid, nor are there penalty points for having pain relief. The aim of labour and childbirth, surely, is to give birth to your child. Your child is the reward.
Try not to let other people upset you.
Lynn
Penbleth´s last [type] ..I don’t really feel like it
OK, I had to go back and look at the convo on Twitter. And wow, what a bitch. Maybe she should be thankful that you weren’t using @, b/c then she would have had a shit firestorm. Although, maybe she did, and I am just Twitter dumb. (Cause I kinda am.) And if you read the conversation, she was TOTALLY being judgemental of whoever she was talking about, they were saying the poor girl needed therapy! And did she really say that you were butting into a conversation…ON TWITTER??
I love how you have thick skin. It thoroughly entertains me.
I gotta say too, I’ve learned to be a lot less judgemental when I read posts like this one. I LOVED my epidurals and generally thought people who did it the natural way were nuts, but now I realize, To Each His Own.
Gail´s last [type] ..Vacation- Puppy- and K